The Idiots Guide to Stargate Travel
by LlewellynPrince
Summary: The guidebook to stargate travel.
1. Chapter 1

The Idiots Guide to Stargate Travel

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Chapter One : The Stargate itself

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1. The Stargate is the giant round donut shaped thing with the weird symbols on it. 

2. Don't ever refer to the gate in previous terms in the presence of_ any_ scientist.

3. The DHD is the mushroom shaped thing with the evil red eye in the middle and more weird symbols.

4. Don't ever refer to the DHD in previous term in the presence of_ any_ scientist.

5. The blue water like thing in the middle of the gate is the event horizon.

6. Don't ever refer to the event horizon in above terms in the presence of _any_ scientist.

7. Numbers 1 and 3 will result in very, very long lectures with words you will never have heard before let alone understand.

8. If number 7 happens stand and smile and nod but _do not_ speak. (See Chapter 3 for further Explanation)

9. The symbols on the gates are star constellations, (if you're a soldier no one will believe you if you say you can find them in the night sky (see chapter 4 for future explanation))

10. If anything can go wrong (and there's always something that can go wrong, even if it's as innocent as breathing) IT WILL GO WRONG!

11. Don't ever go through the gate not expecting to get hurt and always pack extra everything.

12. There are no coincidences. Really, you should now this by now and you're only in chapter one.

13. 'The simplest answer is usually the right one' doesn't apply the minute you step through the gate.

14. Your flagship team will preform miracles daily.

15. If you're stuck off world always make sure you have these things; coffee, chocolate, duck tape, a your swiss army knife, and a cell phone, reception wont work if your off world but the noises it makes will most likely scare your enemies or make them think your a god, either way you get saved, to that point a CD player or radio suffice.

16. Never trust anyone with a second personality, whether they have the same enemy as you or not.

17. Don't piss off the women you work with, especially if they're the base doctor.

18. Always smile when you step through the gate.

19. When stepping through the gate, do not hold your breath!

20. You're guaranteed to be a.) cloned, b.) turned invisible, c.) infused with multiple personalities, or d.) have your memory wiped at one point.

21. You will at least once have your consciousness downloaded into another body, person, ship, or robot version of yourself.

22. If some one bows to you the minute you step out of the gate or when you say you came through it...go back through it immediately. The trouble that's coming is not worth what they can give you.

23. Always carry extra first aid kits, someone, most likely and usually your geek, will always get hurt.

24. If your mission is going okay, good, simple, or easy you're about to die.

25. If you walk through the gate and see nothing within the immediate vicinity of the Stargate you'll be ambushed within the next hour.

26. Never, ever comment on the beautiful women you see, they are either daughter, wife, or sister of your host and chances their either married, engaged (the same thing as betrothed), or his sister. No matter who she is, you'll be insulting him somehow and it will result in you running for your life, if you not caught immediately and imprisoned.

* * *

…diwedd…


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two: The Aliens; Allies and Enemies and the goddamn Tok'ra who drive everybody nuts!

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_I : The Tok'ra_

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1. Calling the Tok'ra or the Goa'uld snake heads is the best way to annoy them into going away, just make sure you suck up enough to get the info first or if it's the Goa'uld make sure that your far enough away that you can run and they won't catch you (the shortest distance is three galaxies, but we recommend four just incase they've got some new weapon the Tok'ra have conveniently forgotten to mention, see number 2)

2. The Tok'ra will forget to tell you things, no matter what.

3. Said forgetfulness is not always an accident.

4. Never trust the pretty Tok'ra, split personalities often lead to almost constant PMS.

5. Most aliens with two personalities will not speak with contractions do not instead of don't

6. Don't bother trying to teach a Tok'ra Earth slang, you'll just confuse them. And get called a child.

7. Just because one Tok'ra says she/he likes you, doesn't mean his/her other half does.

8. Beware being a short-time host for the Tok'ra, in their haste they forget to mention things, like lovers and boyfriends.

9. You will be ambushed by said lover and boyfriend when you first meet them.

10. Unless your willing to become a host the Tok'ra don't care.

11. Really.

12. No, I'm serious.

13. Really.

14. Why don't you believe me?

15. Watch the glowing eyes!

16. Never ever let the Tok'ra talk you into the becoming a host, even if it's only for two weeks.

17. During these two weeks, if you get stuck with as a host, you will most likely so things that will result in you getting caught and tortured and seeing your dead best friend.

18. Never let the Tok'ra heal you if you're not giving them something in return, and even if you are it's most likely they'll use this opportunity to stick a snake in your head without telling you.

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_II : The Asgard_

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19. They're naked and they don't get used to it.

20. They, with the possible exception of Thor, have no sense of humor.

21. Don't joke with them.

22. They are smarter then you, even if their little gray men.

23. If you call them Roswell grays, they won't understand what you mean, but they know where Roswell is, its best not to ask how.

24. Certain members of the race have done strange experiments on people and have abducted them, this is not the general consensus with their people so let it go, even if you were an abductee.

25. Don't tell jokes with them, their more likely to get the Jaffa's jokes then yours.

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_III : All the other Aliens_

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26. If it looks like a cat, purrs like a cat, walks like a cat, and acts like a cat, it's probably not a cat.

27. If the aliens you're visiting have more advanced technology then you, they aren't going to share it...even when you save their entire civilization from destruction and _you will_ end up saving their civilization from destruction.

28. While your team may start out as all earth personnel, within the first year you will have at least one alien member.

29. Said alien member will be able to; convey words with expressions and as such rarely speak, kick your ass to kingdom come in any kind of fighting, never loose their calm, not understand the concept of TV but mostly likely will love Star Wars, and will have contacts with people on every other planet you will ever visit.

30. Said aliens jokes will never make sense.

31. Never ask said alien about said jokes because they think they're funny and that you want to hear them and its your funeral if you tell them otherwise.

32. If said alien is a women never, _ever_ comment on her fighting outfits.

33. Never trust anyone ; a.) whose eyes glow, b.) have strange voices, or c.) dress like monks.

34. Never ever trust an alien who is voluntarily volunteering to help you, there is most likely something going on you don't know about.

35. The lady alien on your team won't get along with your security chief, this is most likely because of some attraction that neither wants to admit.

36. If above argument comes to blows get out of the way or send your second in command to handle it, just expect to have to give up half your chocolate stash in apology when he gets sent to the infirmary.

37. Pretty alien women are not a good sign (though it could be argued pretty women are never a good sign in general)

38. Never say the above to any women you work with, alien or not, it will result in pain.

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...diwedd...

Open to suggestions! ;)


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